This morning is just another shining example:

I mean, okay, I guess if you see that I write about food, it is semi-logical to suggest restaurant “careers.” And I do love Texas… but really, LITTLE CAESARS? I don’t think CareerBuilder is very in touch with my interests and preferences at all.

Here’s the problem with Young Adult. Yes, I loved it. But it completely ruins my fantasies of an Emily Teachout biopic, because protagonist Mavis Gary is basically me. Me now, and quite possibly me later (she’s 37). A movie about my life would just be a cheap remake set in Seattle. From the very first part of the opening scene, my viewing companion and oldest friend, Dayna, was like “Yes… YES… THIS IS YOU.” We were cracking up in the theatre and generally being very obnoxious, but we couldn’t help it. It’s true. Everything!

Mavis wakes up in full morning-after attire; clothed, face down in a tousled bed, while E! reality show Kendra blares on a TV in the background. Sound familiar? Oh, maybe because that’s how I wake up most mornings. (And let’s not talk about how much Kendra I watch on a weekly basis, yikes.)

Mavis trudges into the liquor bottle-strewn kitchen and downs a refreshing morning Diet Coke. We can all recognize the abundance of times that my only breakfast is a cold, calming, carbonated tsunami of DC down my throat.

Mavis, a writer, sits down and opens her laptop. She struggles to write even one page. Although a deadline is looming over her head, she is immediately distracted by multiple windows of internet trash, including an email inbox full of designer shopping newsletters and stupid dating websites. Um, welcome to my day-to-day.

Mavis complains to her friends about the lives and triumphs of people from her past, even though she is much more successful on paper than most of the people she went to school with. She sits in bars and talks to dudes even though she has no interest in what they’re saying; she simply downs vodka while pretending to care about their philanthropic trips to third world countries. This is my social life in a nutshell.

I already feel slightly bad about this “lifestyle” and I am only 25. (Quickly approaching 26, though. Noooo!) Mavis is 37. In ten-ish years, am I still going to be a Young Adult?

Dayna assured me that while I have many Mavis-like habits (unapologetically wearing Uggs, being a bad driver, lazily trashing a hotel room for no reason, drinking Makers Mark like it’s water), I would never stoop to the appalling depths she does in the latter part of the movie. Honestly, though, Dayna’s assessment of my self control might be wrong.  I have said, done, and thought some pretty horrible things in my time. I think we all have. The more I live, the more I realize: you can hope for the best, but you really can’t rule anything out.

Sure, I was struck by the character of Mavis not only because of our amusing, superficial similarities, but it’s not only that; I empathize. There is a conversation between so-called successful, glamourous Mavis and plain small-town girl Sandra:

I don’t think any scene in a movie has rang more true for me. Many reviewers find Mavis to be a contemptible character. I can definitely see why she’s unlikeable. But I like her. I get it. It’s really hard to grow up. It’s really hard to find and accept true happiness. Like Mavis, I’m not into babies, I’m not into suburban satisfaction, yet I’m weirdly envious and involved and yes, I’ll say it, jealous(!) of people who are fulfilled by those social mores. I know I’m highly intelligent, but at the same time I like highly superficial things. I will always enjoy Diet Coke and E! channel and eschew strip malls and Pier One decor.

It’s scary. I don’t want to end up like Mavis when I’m in my late 30s. But I don’t want to end up like her innocent nemesis, sweet suburban mother Beth, either. I guess all I can hope for is that my eventual biopic won’t turn out to be a Young Adult remake after all, because I will make different and better decisions that land me somewhere in the middle of the two women’s lives.

In the meantime, while the world waits to see how my life ends up, why don’t you all treat yourself to the movies! Go see Young Adult. A+.

SETTING THE SCENE: I am lounging on the couch in the family room of my mom & stepdad’s house, playing on my ~*new MacBook Air!*~ and watching one of the million Elf marathons on cable.

ENTER: Gary, my stepdad.

Gary: Oh, I didn’t know he was in this.
Me: Who, Will Ferrell?
Gary: Yeah, him.
Me: In Elf? You didn’t know Will Ferrell was in Elf?
Gary: No, I didn’t know he was in this.
Me: What?
Gary: This, what you’re watching now. The OC or whatever it’s called.
Me: This isn’t The OC, this is Elf.
Gary: ….oh. I just always assume you’re watching The OC. It seems like that’s all you watch.

Well, fair enough.

Speaking of, stay tuned for my mom’s “thoughts” on the first few episodes of The OC. The combination of receiving a new laptop plus DVDs my parents don’t understand really makes for a perfect storm of entertainment for me.

But fine, want to know my hangups about the holidays? Enjoy.

PRO: Friends and family from all over the country gather together to celebrate! Loved ones who you haven’t seen in weeks, months, years(?!) come to call.
CON: For some reason, the holiday season is the time when lots of mistakes come to call as well. Literally, call. Already this month I have gotten a shocking amount of drunk-ass texts from dudes (example: “hey whats up i ended up on cap hill tonight, winter party haha” from some guy at UW who I haven’t talked to in over a year), including a confusing handful of misguided booty calls. Some from people I haven’t talked to in years? WHY? Do you actually miss me? I’m not more inclined to hook up with you just because it’s Christmas.

PRO: Christmas is the perfect time to show your family and friends how much you love them by showering them with gifts! What’s better than materialism?
CON: Oh wait, I’m pretty much always broke. Also, everything is better than materialism. I still kind of wish someone would buy me a new laptop, though.

PRO: Christmas is the perfect time to show your boyfriend/girlfriend how much you love them by showering them with gifts! And doing romantic things like ice skating and walking around looking at lights? I don’t know what these types of couples do, I’m just guessing.
CON: Even though I’m not more excited about the prospect of random peeps trying to reconnect, I’ll fully admit the holidays can be very lonely when you’re not in a relationship. People are all, “OMG what should I get my boyfriend for Christmas?!” And I’m like “What should I get myself for Christmas since clearly no man is buying anything for me? Oh I guess I’ll buy a gun then shoot myself in the face with it, season’s greetings!”

PRO: Legit reason to watch Home Alone over and over and over again.
CON: Home Alone 2 was just “eh.” Don’t even get me started on the travesty that is Home Alone 3.

PRO: Parties, so many parties! Cocktail parties, work parties, family parties, friend parties, day parties, night parties, white elephant parties, ALL PARTIES I LOVE PARTIES
CON: Remember what it feels like to wake up without a hangover? Yeah, me either.

PRO: Jesus!
CON: …if you’re into that sort of thing.

So there you have it. Christmas: magical time of year when dreams come true, or weird time of year when you are continually hungover and broke?

Actually, if the latter is the definition we’re using, every day of the year is Christmas for me.

• brunch
• the internet
• my brother finally returned from Europe and he thoughtfully brought me back a beautiful scarf
• wine
• the fact that I own multiple phone chargers
• gchat, gmail, google maps (gmaps?)
• haters
• Queen Latifah
• Kendra and her TV show, my favorite way to pass time while working out
• MS Paint
• whipped cream vodka
• my hilarious family
• college sports
• ASOS.com
• Drake & Rihanna’s new albums finally dropping
• my silver faux-arrowhead pendant
• some of the best, funniest, coolest friends anyone has ever had
• streaming Netflix
• Donna from Parks & Rec

Oh, wait, what I meant was, haters be hating.

My comedic “rap” skillz have really done it this time. Some ridiculous side project for the agency I work for  has gone viral and now I am blowing up the internet and most people (well, overly-invested commenters on tech websites) seem to despise my swagger. This social media experiment was pretty under the radar until someone submitted it to Gizmodo, who deemed it “worse than your parents having sex,” then we were everywhere.

Including the Seattle Times and the Digital Life blog on the Today Show’s website, which is pretty sweet.

As my beloved friend and fellow rap aficionado Katie (aka Kitty Pretty Money Millionaire) says: “it’s easy to write a negative comment. i dont see those peeps online flossing their raps.”

TRUTH.

Yes, it’s pretty bad. Yes, it’s A JOKE! No, a lot of people don’t seem to understand that and I enjoy their outraged remarks.

Anyway, what does it feel like to have 130,000+ people watch me voluntarily acting stupid (all for the sake of a work assignment!) and then express their (largely negative and/or sexually degrading) opinions on everything from my sweater to my boobs to my voice? Pretty good! Why? Because I don’t care! Call me stupid (not true, I know I’m smart), call me fat (not true, I know I’m in great shape), call me suburban (HOW DARE YOU, I rep the heart of the city) call me irritating (okay, that is often true). It’s hilarious and surreal to know there are so many strangers out there thinking/judging this dumb video, and anyone who takes a sarcastic and admittedly annoying YouTube to heart is completely missing the point. The only thing that hurts is when people say I am ruining rap. I LOVE AND RESPECT RAP.

Everyone knows the world of hip hop is full of feuds and vendettas. Haters are just part of the package. If I can keep this up, I’ll be able to release a fragrance at Macys and/or a line of semi-precious stone pendants on Amazon Jewelry by Christmas.

I mean, in the immortal words of my man 50:
If they hate then let ‘em hate/Watch the money pile up

Other than that, these past few months have been kind of a bust. I’m not sure how much rejection, both personally and professionally, a person is supposed to take, but damn. I’ve been able to stay remotely sane thanks to the amount of incredibly supportive and fun friends surrounding me. The only other aspect of my life that is guaranteed to inspire me is the fact that I have a true passion for the culinary world, and goals to reach within that interest. And my wonderful friends keep cheering me on – being patient when I have to take a million pictures of their food at restaurants, reading everything I write, feeding me wine when I need to celebrate or cry, paying for multiple rounds of Big Buck Hunter at the bar because I’m so mad I just want to shoot something – it is a great source of hope to know these people have my back.

Speaking of the people important to us, and appreciating them through the gift of food and wine – my mom’s birthday was a couple weeks ago, right before my brother Eric and his girlfriend Kim were headed off to France. They are both crazily talented people who just finished culinary school and scored the opportunity of a lifetime to intern together at a three Michelin-starred resort in Montpellier. I’m so jealous, yet so proud! We gathered a bunch of friends and fam to my family’s house for a huge dinner party to commemorate both Mom’s birthday and their going away, catered by Eric and Kim and sommeliered/served/bussed by yours truly.

So, enough of the sap, onto what everyone’s really interested in: food pics, of course!

First up: amuse bouche. Ratatouille stacks, brushetta with tomatoes from our family’s garden, and my personal favorite, steak-wrapped enoki with a ginger foam. (That’s Eric and Kim, who will someday cater every event I ever throw.)

Second course. Fresh greens with candied pecans and fresh peaches with balsamic. Then, in that little glass bowl there? Maybe the best part of the meal (MAYBE): chilled corn chowder with poblano chile salsa. Eric himself was shocked when he tasted this and realized how good it was. I think it’s because he incorporated caramelized onions into the soup. Well, and lots of heavy cream never hurt anything.

Third course, a dream come true for me. Plates upon plates of shrimp and grits!!! (Everyone who knows me must know my unfounded yet deep love for all Southern food, especially some damn cheese grits. And these grits were to die for.)

So, here’s the close-up. Polenta cheese grits topped with a cajun-seared jumbo shrimp (“one of the best single shrimp I’ve ever eaten,” – Eric Teachout), handmade parmesan crisp, and garlicky collard greens. After we served our guests, I was back in the kitchen, literally licking out the grits pot. Well, okay, I used a spoon, but still. There was no shame and NO holding back for us.

This next course doesn’t look like much presentation-wise, but trust me. This was Kim’s special, personal contribution and it killed every negative opinion I have held about chicken being a “boring meat.” This chicken was stewed long and slow, skin-on, with carrots and onions, served on top of the most flavorful couscous ever. Oh, and here’s a twist, it’s topped with crushed pistachios, giving it a bit of a Middle Eastern flair. Very rustic, and very hard to stop eating.

For our last protein course, a Northwest staple: salmon!

Served on top of arugula and shaved fennel, with herb-roasted grapes to accompany. Our guests were very intrigued and excited about these grapes.

Lastly, dessert, of course! A duo of blueberries: fresh blueberry tart with whipped cream, and berry mousse with more, more, more blueberries. Blueberries for all! And by “all” I mean “excluding Emily,” because by this point I was so full I thought I would die.

So, there you have it. I feel like I re-ate everything just by going through all my photos. I believe, and I hope you would agree, that a great dinner cooked with the people you love can top any restaurant experience. I know our mom and her friends enjoyed a fantastic dinner party, and I couldn’t have more fun screwing around with Eric and Kim in the kitchen, drinking wine and prepping plates and tasting our dishes. It has to be pointed out: I think this says a LOT about what great people Eric and Kim are. Instead of going out and getting wasted with their friends for a bon voyage, they put a vast amount of time, effort, and care into preparing this meal to share with family and friends.

Those two crazy kids are in France now, and I am so excited to hear their stories when they get back. And obviously concoct yet another elaborate feast, hopefully exploiting the skills they’re picking up in Montpellier.

I told you we didn’t hold back with the grits (or the Kirkland Signature beer, apparently). This was my second go at the Southern course, while all the rest of our guests were eating dessert. Priorities, man. I’ll take shrimp over pastry any day.

Caroline just got finished volunteering at a camp for children stricken with serious diabetes.

me: I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THIS MORNING. I was like “Is Caro back? Is she at camp? What is she doing? I miss her!”
Caroline: i am back! and alive!. it was a really hard camp but no one died. thankfully! because i did have my doubts
me: Yay! Well I’m glad no one died. Although having your “doubts” makes me suspicious
Caroline: well my co counselors were unprepared so i was scared when they were on call. i was very concerned.
me: Wow
Caroline: so what was your week like?
me: Hmmm
me: Well to be honest I’ve just been partying nonstop

Danielle is doing a volunteer writing internship at a foundation that… somehow helps poor Africans. I’m not really clear on the exact purpose, but I know it’s a lot more altruistic than anything I will ever endeavor.

So, I am 25. Compared to a lot of my friends I am “sooooo young haha!” but at the same time I am halfway to 50. YIKES! And 10 years ago I was 15, and honestly that doesn’t seem that long ago. I mean… okay. Let’s break this down.

Right now, everything in my life is so uncertain. Career, relationship, health, general ~future planz~ I mean who really knows?! Everything is so up in the air, it literally makes me nauseous to think about it too much. Because then I obsess and start overanalyzing about all the unknowns in the Life of Emily and my heart starts beating really fast and omg I might as well die NOW and… ahhhhh!

On the other hand. We were talking about funny/useful/HORRIBLE lady topics such as eye cream and wrinkles at dinner tonight. And I was like, WTF, am I supposed to be thinking about these things?! I thought 25 was young?! Have I just been living in a fool’s paradise these past few years? Should I be using wrinkle cream?!

I do not appreciate these thoughts.

Probably listening to melancholy Cat Power is not helping right now. But I feel like I am trapped in this limbo between young and old. Too young to know where my life is taking me… yet too old to disregard the looming, ominous threat of eye wrinkles?!?

Being a woman is stupid. Sorry, but we all know it’s true. There’s only one way to fix this issue: booking an impromptu trip to Vegas via Southwest.com’s $80 any fare anniversary sale. That classy city of dreamz will surely give me the life guidance I’m looking for.