Category Archives: music

The more I think about it, the more I am simultaneously (a) enraged by the royal wedding overreaction and (b) thrilled by the idea of hilarious rapper betrothals.

Other people in my life are, unbeknownst to them, on the same page as me. (? Is “unbeknownst” a word? Spellcheck says it is not but I feel like I have seen it before. Too lazy to investigate further.) Last night I was at happy hour with some lady friends. Judy, who manages a Black House White Market, told us that a woman came into her store looking for a black dress to wear to a “gangster-style” wedding. I responded, “What kind of gangster, rap thugz gangsta, or  Boardwalk Empire mob gangster? Clearly one is superior to the other.” Unfortunately, the wedding was the latter and not the former. But I think we all know which I would/will choose for MY wedding!

Our wedding portrait. I know y'all thought he was married to Tiny, but it was just an elaborate ruse so we could plan our ceremony in secret.

Here’s the plan. I will represent West Coast and my impending husband (T.I. duh) will represent East Coast. Yes, I realize that T.I. is from Georgia, but no one ever heard of a West Coast vs. South battle, so he will just have to pretend. Anyway, each side of the bridal party will wear the airbrushed RIP shirts honoring deceased rappers from their territory in lieu of bridesmaid dresses and suits. Then, as the processional (obviously Pac’s Life, feat. Ashanti and T.I., how appropriate) begins, T.I. will turn towards the doors, eager to see his beautiful bride (ME!!!!!!!!!!) in her bedazzled RIP Nate Dogg one-piece velour jogsuit and gold heelz.

BUT – and who could have predicted this! – I enter wearing a flowy Disney Princess bridal gown and stare at the bridal party in horror. “What?! Who?! Wh-WHY?!” I scream, and throw down my perfect bouquet of baby pink roses. “What are you all wearing? What IS this?! What were you thinking?!?! Who is playing this joke on me?! OH my wedding day is RUINEDDDD!” I’ll howl, running out of the cathedral. The crowd, stunned, looks on in disbelief. How could this mix-up  have occurred? The entire congregation feels very guilty for ruining what undoubtedly would be the most important and special day of my entire life.

Then, just as everyone is about to exit in shame, the door busts back open! And here I am in all my bedazzled velour glory, in a full-on feather-and-beaded-braid weave, with tons of inappropriately dark lipliner, HOLDING A BERETTA and firing it into the air, forever ruining the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. “Awww, just playin, motherfuckers! Now let’s do this bitch RIGHT!” I holler.

I run down the aisle and marry T.I., and the whole world marvels at our West Coast/East Coast thug lyfe wedding and how the beautiful union of Emily + T.I. is a breathtaking and eye-opening representation of world peace, or at least peace between 90s rap feuds.

~THE END~

It is general public knowledge that Christina Aguilera is one of my favorite pop stars, and probably people in general. My beloved Xtina can do no wrong in my eyes. Sadly, lately it has become very tiring to be this adoring and defensive of her; Christina’s exploits in the past year or so have not done much to frame her in a positive light. I have tried to stay supportive, then this morning I wake up to the horrific news that she and her boyfriend have been arrested (or, “detained” ?) for alcohol-related charges! Xtina, NO!! The world is turning against her and it’s become increasingly more difficult to lend her my undying affection. Look at what I already have to deal with:

me: I’m so sad for her :(
Caroline: she is turning into Lindsay
me: NO she is not. She just had one slip-up
Caroline: thats all it takes!
Caroline: she is still a drunken mess!
me: AREN’T WE ALL, THOUGH?

I have put Christina Aguilera on a pedestal for so long. Now I am starting to question my entire belief system. The only way to put my thoughts and emotions into perspective is to conduct a point-counterpoint regarding modern-day Christina, comparing my life to hers and seeing who is really coming out on top.

Point: Christina is so beautiful! She has such a killer body and old-school glamour! I am just a regular person!
Counterpoint: Lately the web has been ablaze with criticism of her weight gain and sometimes over-the-top makeup. Granted, we all have our moments, and Christina is now a mother and getting into her 30s, so we can’t have unrealistic expectations here. Regrettably, it must be said that her body these days is considerably less bangin’ even than when she was doing Burlesque last year. Even so, she is very gorgeous. I am still just a regular person, but at least I have not gained any weight and no one makes fun of my lipstick, because I do not wear lipstick. Plus, did Xtina have a boob job?! I don’t know. But I didn’t.
CA vs ET: …nobody comes out on top in this battle. We are both just women doing the best we can.

Point: Christina has an amazing singing voice! She was invited to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl, do an Aretha Franklin tribute at the Grammys, has starred in countless music videos and gone on concert tours, including one with Justin Timberlake! All I get to do is karaoke… sometimes sing in the shower… sometimes blast the Comcast “Music Choice Hot Hits” station while I clean the house… and that’s about as close as I’ll ever get to musical superstardom.
Counterpoint: Yeah, but if I am singing karaoke and make a dumb mistake with the lyrics, no one cares or probably even notices. Christina messed up the lyrics to the national anthem and American reamed her for it. Then she did the Grammys and bizarrely fell down during the end of the tribute, and had to be helped up by Jennifer Hudson or someone. Embarrassing! At least all the stupid crap that happens at the Rickshaw when I “perform” my musical “talents” will never be in the public eye and is easily forgotten two seconds after it occurs.
CA vs ET: Once again, equal. Being famous is still awesome. But so is having your humiliations NOT immortalized and commented on by strangers on the internet who think they are entitled to have an opinion about you.

Point: Christina married for ~love~ and not looks/money and has the most adorable little son, Max! All my relationships (haha, “all”) are confusing and do not ever result in me getting a bridal spread in OK! magazine!
Counterpoint: Buuuuut then she and J.Bratman (who, let’s be honest, not exactly a stunner in the looks department) filed for divorce last year. And now she is a single mom who is already dating someone new, a dude who also seems to be a bit beneath her and also has a penchant for alcohol abuse. Hmmm Christina, is someone not valuing herself enough? I am not divorced. I also did not have a a hit single “Ain’t No Other Man” publicly praising the man I ended up divorcing.
CA vs ET: Emily wins?!

Point: Christina Aguilera has never been in a stupid celebrity DUI scandal. Of course, neither have I. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think either of us have been in trouble with the po whatsoever.
Counterpoint: Oh yeahhh except for this morning… this happened. I can’t claim I have never shamed while drinking, but nothing to this degree whatsoever.
CA vs ET: Shockingly, Emily clearly comes out on top once more.

So while Christina Aguilera is clearly more famous and absolutely beautiful, is it possible that my life is going a little better than hers at this point?! No police run-ins while wasted, no divorce, no public scrutiny after messing up a high-profile performance… my life may not be all figured out, but at the same time it is not unraveling. I guess this means Christina needs my love and support more than EVER! Maybe I can be a good influence on her. For example, right now at 11am I am drinking a mug of hot water and eating a banana at my desk, in lieu of pounding a bottle of vodka in the car with my trashy rebound bf at 2am? Are you taking notes, Xtina?

On a related note, the DVD of Burlesque came out today. We are watching it tonight in Christina’s honor.