This summer I have experienced a renaissance in a very important relationship that had been on hiatus for quite sometime. It’s been pretty heartfelt and intense, and I’m never going to let it slip through my fingers again… I’m talking, of course, about rekindling my affair with Gatorade. How could I have forgotten how awesome this shit is?!
I don’t think I’d enjoyed a cool Gatorade since the long ago debacle of Kent youth soccer when I was in third grade. Now, of course, Gatorade comes in handy for a different reason. It is the hangover cureall. Electrolytes, vitamins, hydration, ridiculously unnecessary amounts of artificial coloring… what more could I ask for? NOTHING.
Gatorade has really stepped it up lately, too. Now it comes in myriad flavors and colors (though to me, classic lemon-lime will always be the ultimate). They’ve also unveiled the liquid magic that is “G2”, which has half the calories of normal Gatorade. Which leads me to ask… why G2? Doesn’t that imply it has twice the calories? Shouldn’t it be called G½ ? I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, though, so I’ll accept the illogical name. Love is blind. Similarly, I’ll accept the fact that it is so damn difficult to find lemon-lime G2 in a single-serving jug! Last month I got into a semi-heated argument with a Kirkland Chevron convenience store attendant about the subject. They had like three different types of blue G2 (sidenote: don’t buy into the bullshit. Gatorade may call it “blueberry” or “fruit punch” or “raging tiger” or whatever, but every blue flavor is just that: blue. It’s all the same.) but NO lemon-lime! What the hell is that?! Safeway carries sixpacks of mini lemon-lime G2, but that’s it. And let me tell you: a mini Gatorade is not gonna cut it when I’m hungover. I demand the large jug for my immediate consumption.
Speaking of Safeway: the barrage of travesties keeps on coming. To add insult to injury, the Safeway on 85th doesn’t even carry Gatorade in their chilled beverage section! They do have cold versions of Gatorade’s retarded stepsister, Propel, but any discerning athlete/drunk knows that only true Gatorade (or, for the calorie-conscious consumer such as myself, G2) will quench the deep thirst. I know this sad fact because yesterday morning I woke up at 7:30 after a long, long night of many sake bombs on an empty stomach (always a good idea) and knew at once that an icy cold Gatorade was the only thing that could comfort me… I walked twelve freaking blocks up to 85th & 15th to get my hands on one and a) no large size lemon-lime G2, b) no chilled Gatorade at all! AHHHHHH! Get with it, Safeway! I walked all the way to NORTH SEATTLE for this and you’re going to deny me?!?!? What about all your customers who demand instant refreshment and relief? I don’t have time to wait for my drink to chill!
So… you’re all dying to know what happened by this point… I regrettably ended up purchasing a large lukewarm BLUE G2 (supposedly “blueberry-pomegranate,” nice try, Gatorade). To be fair, it did make me feel better almost instantaneously in my time of need. PLUS its shocking blue color sends everyone who sees you a very important message: “I’m so sporty and healthy! I’m drinking Gatorade!” (Or maybe they look at me and think “wow, that girl had a rough night” but I’d prefer to buy into the misguided idea that the general public is under the illusion I am athletic.)
In conclusion: Gatorade cures your hangover, makes you feel like you’re more healthy than you actually are, and is on sale for 88 cents at Safeway for a limited time. You’re welcome.
