Author Archives: emily

a promising future

So I am on a million email newsletters/lists, just like everyone else. I’ve been getting CareerBuilder “job updates” for as long as I can remember. They always have great suggestions and opportunities for me.

This morning is just another shining example:

I mean, okay, I guess if you see that I write about food, it is semi-logical to suggest restaurant “careers.” And I do love Texas… but really, LITTLE CAESARS? I don’t think CareerBuilder is very in touch with my interests and preferences at all.

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i am mavis gary

This is my review of Young Adult, which I can confidently say has been my favorite film of the 2011-2012 winter movie season, tied with Melancholia.

Here’s the problem with Young Adult. Yes, I loved it. But it completely ruins my fantasies of an Emily Teachout biopic, because protagonist Mavis Gary is basically me. Me now, and quite possibly me later (she’s 37). A movie about my life would just be a cheap remake set in Seattle. From the very first part of the opening scene, my viewing companion and oldest friend, Dayna, was like “Yes… YES… THIS IS YOU.” We were cracking up in the theatre and generally being very obnoxious, but we couldn’t help it. It’s true. Everything!

Young Adult. I wake up holding bottles of alcohol sometimes, too.

Mavis wakes up in full morning-after attire; clothed, face down in a tousled bed, while E! reality show Kendra blares on a TV in the background. Sound familiar? Oh, maybe because that’s how I wake up most mornings. (And let’s not talk about how much Kendra I watch on a weekly basis, yikes.)

Mavis trudges into the liquor bottle-strewn kitchen and downs a refreshing morning Diet Coke. We can all recognize the abundance of times that my only breakfast is a cold, calming, carbonated tsunami of DC down my throat.

Mavis, a writer, sits down and opens her laptop. She struggles to write even one page. Although a deadline is looming over her head, she is immediately distracted by multiple windows of internet trash, including an email inbox full of designer shopping newsletters and stupid dating websites. Um, welcome to my day-to-day.

Mavis complains to her friends about the lives and triumphs of people from her past, even though she is much more successful on paper than most of the people she went to school with. She sits in bars and talks to dudes even though she has no interest in what they’re saying; she simply downs vodka while pretending to care about their philanthropic trips to third world countries. This is my social life in a nutshell.

I already feel slightly bad about this “lifestyle” and I am only 25. (Quickly approaching 26, though. Noooo!) Mavis is 37. In ten-ish years, am I still going to be a Young Adult?

Dayna assured me that while I have many Mavis-like habits (unapologetically wearing Uggs, being a bad driver, lazily trashing a hotel room for no reason, drinking Makers Mark like it’s water), I would never stoop to the appalling depths she does in the latter part of the movie. Honestly, though, Dayna’s assessment of my self control might be wrong.  I have said, done, and thought some pretty horrible things in my time. I think we all have. The more I live, the more I realize: you can hope for the best, but you really can’t rule anything out.

Sure, I was struck by the character of Mavis not only because of our amusing, superficial similarities, but it’s not only that; I empathize. There is a conversation between so-called successful, glamourous Mavis and plain small-town girl Sandra:

Mavis & Sandra discuss happiness

I don’t think any scene in a movie has rang more true for me. Many reviewers find Mavis to be a contemptible character. I can definitely see why she’s unlikeable. But I like her. I get it. It’s really hard to grow up. It’s really hard to find and accept true happiness. Like Mavis, I’m not into babies, I’m not into suburban satisfaction, yet I’m weirdly envious and involved and yes, I’ll say it, jealous(!) of people who are fulfilled by those social mores. I know I’m highly intelligent, but at the same time I like highly superficial things. I will always enjoy Diet Coke and E! channel and eschew strip malls and Pier One decor.

It’s scary. I don’t want to end up like Mavis when I’m in my late 30s. But I don’t want to end up like her innocent nemesis, sweet suburban mother Beth, either. I guess all I can hope for is that my eventual biopic won’t turn out to be a Young Adult remake after all, because I will make different and better decisions that land me somewhere in the middle of the two women’s lives.

In the meantime, while the world waits to see how my life ends up, why don’t you all treat yourself to the movies! Go see Young Adult. A+.

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he had a point

Christmas is weird. Here’s a snippet:

SETTING THE SCENE: I am lounging on the couch in the family room of my mom & stepdad’s house, playing on my ~*new MacBook Air!*~ and watching one of the million Elf marathons on cable.

ENTER: Gary, my stepdad.

Gary: Oh, I didn’t know he was in this.
Me: Who, Will Ferrell?
Gary: Yeah, him.
Me: In Elf? You didn’t know Will Ferrell was in Elf?
Gary: No, I didn’t know he was in this.
Me: What?
Gary: This, what you’re watching now. The OC or whatever it’s called.
Me: This isn’t The OC, this is Elf.
Gary: ….oh. I just always assume you’re watching The OC. It seems like that’s all you watch.

Well, fair enough.

Speaking of, stay tuned for my mom’s “thoughts” on the first few episodes of The OC. The combination of receiving a new laptop plus DVDs my parents don’t understand really makes for a perfect storm of entertainment for me.

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holiday throwdown: christmas pros & cons

Fine, let’s just get this out of the way: I am not a huge Christmas fan! Go ahead, crucify me. (Ha ha, get it? I guess that’s more of an Easter joke.) I don’t care any more. Everyone can know. I think this season is overrated. I’m over people being all, “Why don’t you love Christmas? Why are you being such a grinch?” etc. I’m not a grinch, I’m just more into real holidays like Cinco de Mayo, I guess.

But fine, want to know my hangups about the holidays? Enjoy.

PRO: Friends and family from all over the country gather together to celebrate! Loved ones who you haven’t seen in weeks, months, years(?!) come to call.
CON: For some reason, the holiday season is the time when lots of mistakes come to call as well. Literally, call. Already this month I have gotten a shocking amount of drunk-ass texts from dudes (example: “hey whats up i ended up on cap hill tonight, winter party haha” from some guy at UW who I haven’t talked to in over a year), including a confusing handful of misguided booty calls. Some from people I haven’t talked to in years? WHY? Do you actually miss me? I’m not more inclined to hook up with you just because it’s Christmas.

PRO: Christmas is the perfect time to show your family and friends how much you love them by showering them with gifts! What’s better than materialism?
CON: Oh wait, I’m pretty much always broke. Also, everything is better than materialism. I still kind of wish someone would buy me a new laptop, though.

PRO: Christmas is the perfect time to show your boyfriend/girlfriend how much you love them by showering them with gifts! And doing romantic things like ice skating and walking around looking at lights? I don’t know what these types of couples do, I’m just guessing.
CON: Even though I’m not more excited about the prospect of random peeps trying to reconnect, I’ll fully admit the holidays can be very lonely when you’re not in a relationship. People are all, “OMG what should I get my boyfriend for Christmas?!” And I’m like “What should I get myself for Christmas since clearly no man is buying anything for me? Oh I guess I’ll buy a gun then shoot myself in the face with it, season’s greetings!”

PRO: Legit reason to watch Home Alone over and over and over again.
CON: Home Alone 2 was just “eh.” Don’t even get me started on the travesty that is Home Alone 3.

PRO: Parties, so many parties! Cocktail parties, work parties, family parties, friend parties, day parties, night parties, white elephant parties, ALL PARTIES I LOVE PARTIES
CON: Remember what it feels like to wake up without a hangover? Yeah, me either.

PRO: Jesus!
CON: …if you’re into that sort of thing.

So there you have it. Christmas: magical time of year when dreams come true, or weird time of year when you are continually hungover and broke?

Actually, if the latter is the definition we’re using, every day of the year is Christmas for me.

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what my brother drank on his 21 run

My one and only brother, Eric, turned 21 yesterday! It was a party for all. Well, mostly for him. But you know.
Eric just returned from cooking in France for three months, and therefore lost all his American friends and had nobody to come out and celebrate. (Not even his girlfriend because she is underage! Ooh Eric, you cradle robber!) I took matters into my own hands and invited/harassed all my lovely friends to show him a good time.

Things that entered Eric’s liver last night:

  • Shot of Pinnacle Whipped Cream vodka in my kitchen (YOU’RE WELCOME, ERIC)
  • Beer #1 at Quinn’s
  • Beer #2 at Quinn’s
  • La Fiona shot at Poquitos
  • El Dude vanilla tequila thing at Poquitos
  • Strawberry shortcake Jell-O shot at Unicorn
  • Hellicorn shot at Unicorn
    (You know it’s your 21st birthday when you take Jell-O shots and something called a “Hellicorn”)
  • Multiple whiskey and tequila shots at Unicorn as well? This is where I start to lose count. I think there were 3-5 shots in there
  • Beer at Elysian

So, only about 8-15 drinks total. Apparently that’s all it took. After that last beer, the bathrooms at Elysian were treated to a special show. (And so was dear sweet Joe, who accompanied my brother to make sure he didn’t die in there.)

You only turn 21 once. But don’t worry, Eric, you still have 22, 23, 24, 25, etc. to look forward to, and if you’re anything like your big sister, you have plenty of trainwrecks awaiting you in the future.

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what i’m thankful for

Everyone has just been begging me to reveal what I’m thankful for this holiday season, so fine, I will tell you.

  • brunch
  • the internet
  • my brother finally returned from Europe and he thoughtfully brought me back a beautiful scarf
  • wine
  • the fact that I own multiple phone chargers
  • gchat, gmail, google maps (gmaps?)
  • haters
  • Queen Latifah
  • Kendra and her TV show, my favorite way to pass time while working out
  • MS Paint
  • whipped cream vodka
  • my hilarious family
  • college sports
  • ASOS.com
  • Drake & Rihanna’s new albums finally dropping
  • my silver faux-arrowhead pendant
  • some of the best, funniest, coolest friends anyone has ever had
  • streaming Netflix
  • Donna from Parks & Rec
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