sunday morning smackdown

I awoke from a very vivid and realistic dream of being an Olympic swimmer (it could happen!) to the sad realization that I was fully clothed and fully hungover on Steph’s couch. We have spent a verrrry lazy morning here, mobbing on some delicious homemade bacon-avo eggs benedict and trying to piece together last night and how/why it quickly commenced on a downward spiral of self-destruction and gay leather bars. Oh well. Some things you will just never have an answer to.
Stephanie says: “I don’t think we learned any lessons, though.”

Here are snippets of our ultra-important and competent conversations this morning:

(Chris and Ryan are playing with an air rifle.)

Emily: What is that thing?! What is its purpose?
Chris: Nothing. To do this. (while Ryan is fake shooting it in his face)
Emily: But… why?
Chris: Had to spend money on something.
Emily: Wait, you refused to go out to breakfast this morning because you didn’t want to “waste money” but the air gun was a necessity?
Steph: …Yep.
Emily: But why own it? Is it, like, part of a program or something?
Steph: A “program”? A program for what?

Ryan: You guys, I had the best day at work on Friday! First of all, this lady gave me a gift basket full of candy for delivering a package to her door.
Emily: Why did she give you a gift basket for just doing your job?
Ryan: Because I bought it to her actual door! It was great. She even gave me sour apple Warheads! Those are my favorites, for all of your future reference.
Emily: I haven’t thought about those since junior high.
Ryan: Then, I was bored and was digging through the trash at work…
Steph: You were digging through the trash because you were bored?
Ryan: Yeah, and I found a Nalgene!
Emily: You found a Nalgene in the trash? Good one.
Chris: What’s a Nalgene?
Steph: Wait, no, do you seriously dig through the trash at your workplace?
Ryan: That’s shit’s like $10 in the store!
Chris: WHAT’S A NALGENE?
Emily: C’mon. You know what Nalgene is.
Chris: I’ll know once I Google it.
Ryan: Then we can go outside, cook some ribs, and toss around the Nalgene.
Steph: …What?

Chris: Steph, do you want to come to the store with us?
Steph: I can just tell you what I need and you can pick it up for me.
Chris: Sweet, then I don’t have to buy all that name-brand shit.
Ryan: Yes! Safeway Select brand, bitches!
Steph: But I need name-brand cheese because it tastes better!
Chris: Did you say “Velveeta”? I thought you said “Lucerne.”