everyone’s favorite holiday: lent!

Today is the first day of Lent. I was raised Catholic (…clearly a lot has changed since then, sorry Mom) but the reason I know this important date is not because of religion, but because this morning a ton of people on my Facebook feed were updating about what they’re giving up.

When I was a kid, we’d pick something to give up and also we wouldn’t eat meat on Fridays. These days, without my parents or church to force me, I don’t give up anything, least of all meat. But I got to thinking… if I were a relatively pious person (NOPE) what would it behoove me to abstain from at this point in my life? Let’s first ponder the traditional suspects…

Alcohol. This is a common choice for people of my age and lifestyle. However, let’s be realistic. For one thing, this weekend is my birthday so obviously I am obligated to drink… a lot. Even without that factor, what else is during lent? Um, St. Patrick’s Day! My heritage (white) mandates that I go crazy and imbibe at least six Irish Car Bombs and three Guinnesses. I can’t betray my roots. Further more… you can’t go to happy hour and be “that girl” who only drinks a Diet Coke. You just can’t.

Chocolate. To be honest, I could do this one. I don’t really eat that many sweets (unlike some people I know, Jensine). But it’s pretty dumb to give up something you don’t really care about in the first place. Saying that you need to “give up” chocolate implies that you are really into chocolate/candy… and that’s kinda weird once you’re past the sixth grade mark.

Fast Food. Well, I don’t eat fast food. Except when I am eating Taco Bell on (a) a road trip, (b) a night of drinking, or (c) a drunken road trip. Everyone knows this is a joy I can never give up.

Meat. Are you kidding?! Like I said above, this is one of the last things I’d give up! Meat is the perfect food group! Lots of protein, multiple ways to marinate, PLUS another creature had to sacrifice its life for you to eat it. If you think about it, that’s pretty religious right there… meat martyred itself for YOUR taste buds, how can you deny that?!

Alright, well, looks like all those options are out of the picture. Here’s some more avant garde sacrifices I could try:

Google chat. I gchat. A LOT. It really takes up an unreasonable bulk of my time every day… and distracts me from work… and gives me an excuse to sit on my ass even longer… and distracts my friends from their work… hold on a sec, look at that list, gchat is awesome! Never mind!

Texting. Actually, just read the above paragraph, but every time you see the word “gchat” substitute “texting” in its place.

Criticizing the behavior and choices of others. I think it would be hypocritical of me to stop engaging in this highly engrossing habit for LENT of all things, seeing as how the Catholic church is founded upon this principle.

Tetris. I used to have it on my computer and played it ever since I was a kid, but that ended last year when I bought my iMac. Since then, I’ve just been playing it on my phone all the time. To make matters “worse” (= BETTER!) now that I have Patrick’s old NES, it’s bright lights, Tetris city! I’ve only had the game in my possession for three days, but already it has slowly started to take over my life. I was almost late to work yesterday because I was on an amazing streak. I have already broken the record high score on that cartridge. I would quit, but come on, nothing is more rewarding than that flickery text proclaiming, “You are a Tetris Master!”.

Silently mocking 80% of what everyone posts on Facebook. What?! No. It’s basically the only good thing about that site. Everyone reading this is kinda paranoid right now, huh? Don’t worry. It’s not you. (…no, actually, it might be/probably is you.)

WELL, there you have it! Looks like I have no choice but to continue my path of sin and self-indulgence! The road to hell is apparently paved with red meat, alcohol, laughter, and technological communication.