guide to internet acronyms (or, how to be annoying online)

Today we will talk about a topic I find absolutely fascinating… shortening words so you can communicate as quickly and obnoxiously as possible.
AKA:
My Definitive Guide to Trendy Internet Acronyms

They have been rampant since the late 1990s, when the first “LOL” was uttered in a chatroom… now none of us can escape them and they are spreading like wildfire on our computers and cellphones. No one is immune. From the classics (BRB) to the new and entertaining (FML) to the annoying (OMG), there really is an acronym for everything. And we all know I love good acronyms and abbreviations (or should I say A&As, or acs & abbrevs). Let’s cut to the chase and I will tell you what to use, what not to use, and what will cause you to receive instant judgment!

LOL: Laughing out loud
This is an obvious one. It’s pretty dumb because it has become synonymous with “what you just said is funny” and I’m willing to bet that 95% of the time, you are not REALLY laughing out loud at all. So even if you are, when you say LOL you are defeating the purpose, because no one really thinks you’re laughing out loud. This is why I prefer the simple “ha ha” or if something is really hilarious, “HAHAHAHAHAHA”… I find myself slipping and saying LOL sometimes, but I don’t feel that bad about it. If I am actually laughing out loud I have been known to say “I’m literally LOL right now” but that is so long… why bother using an acronym in the first place?
VERDICT: ACCEPTABLE. BUT NOT GREAT.

LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL:
All variations of LOL. All pretty superfluous. You’re laughing your ass off. You’re laughing your fucking ass off. You’re rolling on the floor laughing. Really? Are you? Probably not. If you’re going to commit to a dumb laughing acronym instead of saying “ha ha” just go with LOL. You don’t need to complicate things. Oh, any by the way, if you decide to defy all convention and use “hee hee” instead of any “ha ha” or acronym, you are super creepy and probably either an elementary school student or a pedo.
VERDICT: ALL UNNECESSARY.

BRB: Be right back.
This is a good one. Useful, short, to the point, letting someone know you aren’t ditching them on the computer, you just need to do something else for a few minutes. I use it all the time. I also use it in speech, like on the phone or something: “hey, BRB, I’m getting another call” – totally works. However, its variation, BBL (be back later)… it basically means the same thing. But for some reason looks dumber. BRB has no time limit, I mean really, what does “right” back mean? Who knows, and who cares.
VERDICT: BRB FOREVER! STOP USING BBL!

WTF: What the fuck?
Obviously a classic. WTF will never die. Plus, how many situations in everyday life cause us to ask the all-important question “what the fuck!??!?” MILLIONS. Also, remember that “End of the World” video that went around years ago? When the Australian guy says “W-T-F”? It was comedy gold at the time. Then again, I was also 17 years old and thought Ebaum’s World and Livejournal were the pinnacles of internet entertainment.
VERDICT: PROBABLY THE BEST AND MOST USEFUL ONE.

PS: Really, you don’t remember End of the World?! Well, here you go. Enjoy.

JK: Just kidding!
There is also a less popular variation, “JP” (just playin’) that attempted to make a statement in the early ’00s, but nothing really came of it. And just as well; JK just flows better. I have to give it some credit, when I am joking about things it’s an easy way to clarify… chat, text, or email, it’s universally recognized and a good way to get the heat off you if you make a controversial or offensive statement. “Emily, no one reads your stupid blog…..jk girl” OH IN THAT CASE!
VERDICT: EFFICIENT AND EASY. I ALLOW IT.

OMG: Oh my god.
In theory, it serves a purpose. You’re surprised! But it’s become so tween-friendly that I just can’t stand it. I hear “OMG” and I just think of Gossip Girl and “starting drama” and 14 year olds and Mean Girls and… the annoying demographic of people who would “customize” their cellphones with pink rhinestones. Those are the people who regularly use “OMG” in their texts and online communications. I can’t be a part of that. Plus, I don’t like its Christian undertones.
VERDICT: OMG, GIRL! LIKE, NO!

WWJD: What would Jesus do
Okay, I don’t know if anyone actually would use this online/in a text, but I was inspired by the previous acronym. For one thing, it was a dumb 90s bracelet trend. For another thing… really? Do we even have to ask about this? If someone ever uses this on you…. wow. WWED? (What would Emily do?) Block you on Facebook, that’s what.
VERDICT: NEED I SAY IT? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FML: Fuck my life
This is a newer breed. Like its fuck-acronym sister, WTF, FML is good because it is so universally appropriate! (For example, it just took me four attempts to spell the word “appropriate” correctly. Pathetic. FML.) Unless you’re leading a charmed life, like, say, Hilary Duff (seriously, I bet her life is perfect), you probably feel pretty irritated with your life on a daily basis. I know I do. Man, fuck our lives! (This brings up a variation I also enjoy, FOL, although I don’t think many people besides my friend Mila and myself utilize that one.)
VERDICT: MOST PEOPLE’S LIVES DO SUCK AT LEAST EVERY NOW AND THEN. USE IT!

TWSS: That’s what she said
I wasn’t even aware people were using this dumb saying as an acronym now, but apparently they are. You know what? It’s obnoxious enough as a flash-in-the-pan catchphrase favored by drunk dudes who think they’re being funny. I don’t need it all over my internet now. There is almost no point in time when “that’s what she said” is even used in a correct, let alone humorous, way. It is so unnecessary.
VERDICT: NO. DON’T PERPETUATE THIS MORONIC TREND.

Well, that’s it for now. I do have more I could expand upon, BMSTWBASP.

(That means, “but maybe someday there will be a sequel post”… didn’t you know that one?!)