diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend

A rousing number of my friends have been getting engaged lately. Congratulations to all. This subjects me to a considerable amount of wedding talk. I’m not a huge “my dream wedding!” kind of person, but I do like planning parties so it can be exciting. One area which I am not well versed in, though, is the engagement ring. It’s just never been a priority to me, I would rather plan a reception menu than a wedding band. I don’t think love can be measured in money and I don’t think that how much someone spent on a ring should be the basis for demonstrating how much he cares…
(Disclaimer: I am not saying that my friends getting married are obsessed with money/rings or anything. But we all know there are women out there who are like that, and it sickens me.)

I guess I don’t care that much about jewelry in general, though. I don’t own any “nice” pieces. I have one strand of real pearls from my mom’s wedding that I don’t think I even know how to work the clasp on.  My favorite “diamond” earrings were purchased for $4 at the Slawson swap meet. I have a couple things with real amethyst (wow, luxury! It’s a semi-precious stone  and hella cheap), because I was born in February and admittedly into stuff like zodiac signs and birthstones. Why do I care about jewelry less than the average woman? I dunno. Maybe it’s because I was raised by a pretty anti-materialistic father. Maybe it’s because I have been known to lose a lot of earrings in my day and I’m afraid. Or MAYBE it’s because jewelry commercials are so out of control ridiculous and stupid that I don’t to fall prey to their ludicrous ideologies!!!!!!!!

We are  innundated with jewelry commercials this holiday season. I feel like every time I turn on the TV, I am exposed to one of two horrid ads. Which offender one is worse? You be the judge. I will present each case with in-depth analysis.

For one thing, ice-skating is such a wintertime couples cliche at this point. And where exactly are they ice skating? Everyone I know goes to a rink in the middle of the city. Maybe even an indoor place. Isn’t it dangerous to skate alone, outside, on a random frozen pond? Isn’t that how people freeze to death and/or drown when they fall through the ice cause it was secretly too thin to support their weight?!? DOES THIS COUPLE HAVE A DEATH WISH?!?! Also, what dude brings expensive jewelry with him out there? If he does fall through the ice, that ring is gone. And why is the guy so inept at ice skating? Why did he even want to come out there in the remote wilderness to “skate” on this pond if he’s just going to fall down the whole time? That’s totally not going to impress his girlfriend. Speaking of cliches, it’s so dumb, the whole thing with “secretly men need women to hold them up! Total role reversal!” … rude awakening for my date, take me ice skating and I will be falling the whoooole time. Probably complaining a lot too, or best case scenario, making fun of myself and the entire situation, probably incorporating a lot of stupid puns about a “slippery situation”… ROMANCE!

I have a lot of questions about the setting in this commercial as well. Why are they somewhere so SCARY? It looks like the beginning of a horror movie. Not really setting the mood for a romantic moment. And just like I was annoyed that the guy kept falling down in the last one, I’m aggravated by Kay embracing the opposite stereotype here. She’s so frightened by that clap of thunder and she needs her boyfriend to protect her from it!  I take offense to this. I think thunderstorms are exciting and cool. Anyway, I like how the only thing that can calm her down is receiving a necklace. The dialogue here is just so bad, too: “Don’t let go… EVER”. Really? Ever? I think that would get a little cloying. Also, why doesn’t this house have any curtains or blinds? Okay, actually two options, this looks like the beginning of EITHER a horror movie or a porno. Apparently the YouTube commenters agree with my assessment. User dubmc1979 hilariously wonders, “do you have to lower your voice like that when you go to kay jewelers and buy anything” while user thefb1994 creatively suggests, “and i think its should be: Every gay relationship begins with kay”… unfortunately, thefb1994, this couple is clearly heterosexual and consists of a man and a woman… but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.

I think I am more annoyed by the ice skating commercial’s setting, yet more annoyed by the storm house commercial’s poor dialogue. In the end, I think I come across the storm house more often on TV… so as far as ultimate, consistent irritation, it’s storm house FTW.

What I really don’t like is the idea that giving a woman a piece of jewelry (in Kay’s case, usually cheesy, attempting to be trendy jewelry) makes her instantly ecstatic and… putty in the guy’s arms. I can see the significance of a really cool piece of jewelry, maybe an antique, or a family heirloom, or just something really unique and fitting to the woman’s personality and sense of style. (Or, apparently in my case, birthstone jewelry cause I am secretly still a 14 year old hippie!)  But a “Love’s Embrace” Christmas edition necklace from Kay Jewelers in the mall? Ehhh. Plus, don’t women see these commercials? They’re gonna know that the guy just bought whatever was most heavily advertised… it’s so impersonal.

Having said all this… I guess even I play my part in this relationship schema, cause if I got proposed to with a yellow-gold cubic zirconia ring, I’d be pretty pissed.