Lately I have been experiencing a recurring fantasy.
It involves me, screaming in rage, furiously launching my iPhone into the fireplace, watching the device slowly melting in the flames…
Unsurprisingly, this vision usually occurs after I scroll through my text log and revisit my latest cringe-worthy conversations.
I have decided that texting is very dangerous.
I am not a phone person - as in, talking on the phone. I hate to talk on the phone. Especially cell phones, because usually you’re using one when you’re doing something else, or in the car, or outside, etc… the majority of the conversation consists of: “What?” “Wait a sec, I think you’re breaking up…” “Hold on, I can’t hear you.” “Are you there? Did my call drop? Hello?” UGHHHH so irritating. Plus I’m a really fast talker and I like to vehemently gesture with my hands, and I just really feel my message cannot be accurately conveyed over phone lines. (Or whatever cell phones use. Radiowaves? I should probably know this.)
Texting, in theory, is better. Simple words, concise messages… efficiency at its finest! BUT NOW I AM SEEING THE LIGHT.
Guess what the majority of my texts are? Humiliating things I wish I could take back! Whether it’s an overly crass comment that does not need to be immortalized, a misguided attempt at a late-night booty call, or a straightforward and sincere declaration I am too uncomfortable to say out loud… never a good idea! Because now there is physical evidence of whatever humiliating statement was blurted out!
AND ON IPHONE IT LOGS IT ALL FOREVER. Technically you can delete conversations, but I don’t do that. No matter how horrendous, I like to preserve it. Maybe it’s just a masochistic urge to punish myself and remind myself why I really, really need to think before I send. And so I can read and re-read exactly what I said and overanalyze the million different ways it could be interpreted and judged.
I’m starting to think that perhaps online chatting is the preferable method of communication (as long as you’re sober). For some reason, I just feel like I think before I type. I’m not as blasé when my fingers are roaming an actual keyboard. Then again, gchat does record everything just like iPhone. Meaning self-esteem boosting gems such as this can be forever commemorated:
me: ha i have like… nooooo plans
Mila: CAN WE ENGAGE IN SOME SORT OF RIDICULOUSNESS??!
me: MAYBE. what did you have in mind… the problem is, i’m working a lot
…sooooooooo I think my new preferred method of communication is handwritten letters, delivered by the traditional mail service. Then at least whatever regretful statements I write down will be out of my hands and into the “lucky” recipients’. Plus pencils (remember those?) have erasers so I can actually edit myself before putting it out there. I suppose I could also look into carrier pigeons and telegraph service. Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure if I really even know what a telegraph is. But I’m pretty sure they aren’t effective for late night bad decision conversations, so at least I can cut myself off at the pass.
You know… in music I use pencils everyday on my student’s copies and all the time in rehearsals. I even bought WOODEN ones for my students. I actually own a small 50cent pencil sharpener too.
AND whenever I feel like I need to do a word puzzle or two, I actually prefer pencil…. in case my logic isn’t accurate the first time around.
Well at least we know how well googlechat conveys the element of surprise!!!
PLEASE tell me you read Texts From Last Night. If nothing else it will probably make anything you’ve ever sent seem tame. :)
Jordan: I admire your continuing passion for word/logic puzzles, but I’m more self-assured. I do my crossword with a PEN, bitches!
Mila: True dat. Silver lining.
Ashley: Oh of COURSE I have seen Texts From Last Night, it’s really entertaining and my stupidity doesn’t compare… but I doubt the validity of a lot of those posts. Most of them HAVE to be fake, no one can be that unfortunate! At least the poor choices I make are 100% genuine. I’m still glad I’m not to that caliber though.
I’ve never had texting on any phone that I’ve owned. It feels good.
couldn’t agree with you more. i fucking HATE answering my cell phone… doesn’t matter who’s calling. texting & facebook ftw.
OK FIRST OFF, please don’t give up on texting as it also my hands down preferred method of communication. Unless there is an incredibly juicy story to be shared which cannot fit nicely into 160 characters, people should know by now not to bother calling me. It is funny when people are always like “Man, I can never get a hold of you” and I’m like “Um, yeah, it’s because you never text me” lol.
Basically Emily, you just need to turn off your phone or give it to someone else after you have had a few and that will save you from waking up to reading things you know would have never been said if you were using your mouth instead of your fingers.
Every gchat convo I have is “off the record” and I seldom keep any text history longer than a day, especially with guys I’m dating. Looking back at them usually results in irrational bouts of depression, anger, and or anxiety. I like a call every now and again; no permanent record of that. My overall preferred method of communication is email though.