You know those people who are all, “I don’t watch TV”? Yes, you do. I promise you do. (Especially if you live somewhere with annoyingly self-righteous people… I’m looking at you, Seattle.) Those people who think they are above what they consider pedestrian entertainment such as television, casual use of prescription pills, internet social networking, binge eating… God, I hate those people. Usually these are the same people who, instead of those aforementioned AWESOME uses of time, are really into so-called hobbies such as “working out” and “spirituality”. Give me a BREAK.
Anyway, if it wasn’t abundantly clear, I am not one of those people who “doesn’t really watch” TV. Quite the contrary… I love TV. I want to marry TV. I want to have TV’s babies. Instead of cutting the umbilical cord, we could cut the coaxial cable. Gross. Anyway, as an avid television fan, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have multiple television sets in my home. The most important television I own is the one in my bedroom. In lieu of any “real” significant other, this device keeps me company throughout the lonely nights… I fall asleep and wake up to its loving, nonjudgmental glow.
As a devoted television viewer, there is an important decision one must face. What is your default channel? The title of DC is quite a significant one. This is the channel whose late-night programming you fall asleep to, whose cheesy sitcom/reality show reruns you take comfort in when waking from a nightmare in the middle of the night, whose gently rousing infomercials give you something to live for in the morning. (Remember in the old days, when pioneers had to wake to the sunrise instead of Gunthy-Renker infomercials? The cock crowing instead of that weird Australian dude yelling about the wonders of the Magic Bullet? Man, the old days must have sucked.) Basically, if flipping through the channels is like dating, selecting your default channel is akin to the commitment ceremony.
Wait! Don’t panic. While selection of the DC really is the Sophie’s Choice of the TV viewer, its ramifications are not as dire. Why? Because, the thing is, you can change defaults! For example, when I first got a TV in my bedroom back in high school (thanks Mom, for allowing that situation and forever cursing me to a life of ADD and dependency on machines/technology for fulfilling entertainment), my default channel was MTV. I’m not proud of this fact, but there it is. To be fair, back when I was in high school, MTV was still producing its very first season of Laguna Beach and the travesties that are The Hills and The City were but twinkles in LC’s eyes. I at least was watching quality, educational programming such as Date My Mom and Next: Bisexual Edition. You know… back when they boasted musically-enriched content. So I guess we could bring it full circle and agree that if flipping through channels is like being on the Next Bus, selecting your default channel is akin to the STD-ridden ho you go on a longer “date” with at the end of the episode.
